I felt triggered within an integration circle after an Ayahuasca ceremony two weeks ago after the shaman shared his beliefs as truth. I sat with my feelings, quieting my mind to hunt for the righteousness within me that I knew must be there. From all my self-inquiry, from all my learnings, I know anger is an incredibly valuable emotion because it offers the opportunity to discover where I am still in victimhood. I know that anger transmutes to compassion when we let go of the grip of our beliefs, which Byron Katie shares is the source of all suffering. What belief is here? What am I not allowing myself to see yet?

One of the journeyers asked “why is group sharing valuable for healing?” He answered, “when we all give our prayer, we emanate a vibration that helps each other heal.” My blood instantly boiled. I judged this medicine man as prideful and dangerous. He had repeatedly shared his “wisdom” as Truth and this circle of journeyers in their open state drank it up as though it were another cup of medicine. I felt an affront to one of my central values of non-dogma and agency: that this shaman in a position of power would externalize the healing agent to “prayer” or “vibration” as he did to “spirit” or “medicine”, thus robbing each individual of the core opportunity to recognize themselves as the healer of their own souls.

I probed further inwards. I remember my position of victimhood before seeking consciousness: blaming my wife, my mother, my co-workers, the economy, and the world for my suffering. I remember ascribing my healing to the medicine as “healers” would tell me it is Great Spirit or the Spirit of the Medicine that is showing the way to healing. I remember the suffering that came after as I would spiritually bypass, jumping straight to what I believed to be the right path–forgive, accept, and love–while ignoring my underlying needs and responsibility. I remember being broken down, in a puddle of tears and completely drained after beating pillows over and over again, as I confronted my own ignorance. The Yoga Sutras of 500 BCE says that “ignorance is the source of all suffering”... indeed, I had ignored my own pride as an escape from responsibility. I had robbed myself of the source of my own power: me.

In present time, I raised my hand asking if I could share. I looked around the group, considering how best to message to each seeking individual that the answer to why group work is valuable is because of a need and a feeling within themselves. I shared that I believe that all of life seeks safety because life seeks to create life. There are two forms of safety: outer safety and inner safety. Outer safety is environmental: am I physically safe? Will I starve or be attacked or freeze? But psychological safety–inner safety–is how safe we feel to be with our experience of consciousness. How safe do I feel to be with my shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, anger, or pride? How safe do I feel to express myself and not fear reprimand?

When we share vulnerably as a group, we enhance the feeling of safety for others to be with and express their most deeply held feelings. When one person shares an original trauma–maybe it’s a war veteran or a rape survivor, or maybe it’s someone who grew up with abusive or neglectful parents–then the next person immediately feels safer to be with their feelings and share that, too. Suddenly, it’s okay to be afraid… others feel afraid as well. It’s okay to feel shame for things we’ve done. Others have done shameful things, too.

You don’t need to pray to heal. You don’t need to invoke a Spirit to heal. You just need to feel your feelings, and it’s our jobs as facilitators or guides to help construct the set and setting to help journeyers feel as safe as possible to do so. We do not have ownership of the Truth… this can only be felt within each person’s heart. Truth is subjective, but when it is deeply felt, it is the same for all. It is when we attempt to wrap the Truth with words and vocabulary, frameworks and justifications, that we can get lost at the level of attempting to convince others of our truth. I invited everyone to feel inwards, to sense their feeling of safety in this container… do you feel safer to be you here? Are you learning from others’ stories because they mirror some facet of your own that you may not have glimpsed yet? This is why sharing as a group is valuable for healing. It comes from your inner feeling, not what a “shaman” tells you is Truth.

I looked around the room and saw that others were grasping the idea. I shared my belief as my belief instead of Truth. The very nature of prefacing my belief as mine gave a morsel of agency to every recipient so that they could decide for themselves. I felt edified in this practice. It is a core value of mine and Ceremonia’s. The more that we practice feeling inwards to discover Truth, the more agency we embody. The more agency we embody, the more responsibility we can take for owning our emotions and the creation of our circumstances. The more responsibility we take, the more sovereignty we have in creating our reality instead of falling prey to victimhood or relying on externalities–healers, medicine, Spirit, etc.--to heal us.

…And when this came full circle, I sat there in my trigger. I probed my anger. There is some paradox here I have yet to resolve. I trust certain “truisms” that I’ve learned both from spiritual teachers and my own inwards journey. Adyashanti says, “any belief creates separateness.” I was certainly feeling separate from this “shaman”. Why? It is because I so believe in non-dogma that I have an aversion to anyone who impresses their beliefs on others. And then, I could see the paradox clear as day: I am dogmatic about non-dogma.

I laugh out loud. I created my own separateness from this “shaman” and perhaps from the group itself to an extent as they absorbed his “wisdom”. I thanked my trigger for showing me more that I can let go. As Ivan Chocron, a dear friend, first Modern Enlightenment podcast guest, and an Ayahuasca facilitator in his own right shared: “how can you be discerning without judging?” I know that I get to be discerning of where I put my energy while feeling compassion and gratitude for the gifts of others. This “shaman” in front of me was doing his best. He was providing a tremendous gift to others: dedicating his life in service to his ideals and to the healing of others. Yes, I disagree with his methods, but the intention and grace is still there. I could discern that I would not sit in ceremony with him again, but I need not rage at his methods. I could do my part to help others reclaim their agency–this is also my path of discernment–but I needn’t do it with the energy of anger. I can do it with the energy of Love, which I could feel towards the man espousing his beliefs as well as each soul holding their hands out for guidance.

Thank you, medicina. Thank you, God. Thank you, my inner sense of Knowing, for helping me “trigger treasure hunt” for how I get to continue walking this path of service with greater integrity, responsibility, and love.